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In your new film, Blue Juice, there's
a scene where your confronted by a naked Sean Pertwee wearing a sock on
his knob. Something you found attractive?
If I remember correctly, he did the close-ups when I wasn't there. But
he did ask me if, for artistic interpretation, I would like to see the
sock, and I said 'of course'. It was a brown Marks & Spencer one though.
If it was a Stussy one or something like that, it might have been more
interesting.
Zeta. A bit exotic for Wales?
My grandmother's name. It was something to do with my great-grandfather
- either a boat that he sailed on or a stripper that he encountered on
his travels. People think I've put it in there to be more exotic, but
it's not true. Anyway, there were about six other Catherine Joneses in
my class at school.
Do you get a lot of requests to
open fetes in Swansea?
Sort of. You get people writing in the local paper saying, "I invited
Catherine to my garden party and she didn't even send anything saying
she was sorry she couldn't come." But of course you get about a hundred
invitations for things, and so the papers slag you off a bit. For a while
I couldn't do anything right.
Tell us about your upbringing. Were
you posh?
I wasn't really posh, no. I went to a little private school, but that's
only because I was quite ill as a kid. I'd missed a lot of school because
I had a tracheotomy, where they have to stab your throat to make you breathe
- I've still got the scar. But I didn't lead a charmed middle class life.
My dad had a confectionery business, so we were sort of working class
made good, really. My family were great so I didn't really need to rebel.
I was allowed to go clubbing when I was 12 because I looked about 22.
They were really cool about a lot of things.
Have you had to work hard at losing
your accent?
When I first came to London I used to speak like a cockney because I was
so embarrassed about my Welsh accent and I thought everyone would think
I was really thick. I suppose I've had to lose my accent for some things,
or at least disguise it, though I don't want to lose it. But there's not
many Welsh parts, unfortunately.
How do you now react to the word
"perfick"?
I haven't heard it in a long time, I must say. There used to be a time
when I would walk down the street and everyone would shout "perfick".
At first it would be (smiles through gritted teeth and gives a little
friendly wave), then, after a while, I really felt like saying, "Look,
piss off." You'd get these men in trucks pulling up next to the car
and saying, "You're looking perfick again today, love." And
it's like, "Oh shut up." It was such a big programme that the
public sort of had me and the character living in one big beautiful bubble,
which kind of pissed me off because, of course, I'm not like that.
You became the tabloids' chocolate
box beauty. Didn't you ever feel like being photographed for the cover
of The Sun with a big spliff going "Fuck off"?
Well they did get a few things on me. They got a picture of me in the
South of France standing on this balcony smoking a cigarette and that
was like, woo. Then I was on this yacht where we were shooting this film
and everyone had got their kit off to go swimming and some photographer
was like, "Ooo close-up on that nipple." Some dickhead had been
following me around for three weeks or whatever. When I found out, I sat
down and tried to work out, you know, was he following me there, and was
he following me there? That's really creepy, really voyeuristic.
Where's the most unlikely place
you've found a member of the paparazzi?
Oh God. One time I came back about two o'clock in the morning and walked
past me own house - I thought it was somebody else's house because there
was this man leaning in my doorway and it was just like, "Shit."
Luckily, he just left. Then there was this police surveillance van outside
of my house for three weeks, and I called the police and they got in there
and it was full of cameras set up. Right outside my front door! It's scary
when your on your own. If I've got a man with me, I don't give a shit
because they usually... (laughs) do the job.
Do you take extra care getting ready
to go out to the shops because you're famous?
No. I was walking along the Kings Road one time wearing this army surplus
jacket, which is my favourite, and I knew there was this photographer
following me and so I said, OK, do your picture and piss off. Then the
next day in the paper it was sort of,"Oh what's happened to Catherine
Zeta Jones, she's looking so gaunt and sad, like a bag woman." It's
like, at least I had some lip gloss on, love... you should have seen me
ten minutes before.
Splitting Heirs with Eric Idle.
A flop. Why?
I don't know. I suppose it just wasn't very funny. When you're making
something, it's really hard to know. If making films was that easy, people
wouldn't be doing films that don't work. You get offered a film with Eric
Idle and John Cleese and you think it'll be absolutely great fun - and
it was - but it just didn't cut together.
What are you like when you are pissed?
Very emotional. I kiss everybody and tell them I love them. If somebody
says something nice to me, they instantly become my friend, and then I
can't even remember them in the morning. Or I get really bloody angry
and everyone pisses me off. Usually with red wine. I love red wine but
it doesn't get me in the best sort of mood. One time there was this assistant
director who was a real bastard and I just couldn't leave the bar without
telling him what a shit he was. But I can drink huge, huge amounts before
I get drunk. It's in my blood.
What is the one thing that's sure
to impress you about a bloke?
Well it certainly wouldn't be a car or anything materialistic. That just
pisses me off when I see blokes with the size of their dick being paraded
with the size of their car. Words impress me. If a man can speak eloquently
and beautifully to me, I just melt on the floor.
What, like if I told you,"Hey,
your eyes are like Maltesers..."?
Yeah! I'm going, I'm melting...
Are you gutted about Robbie leaving
Take That?
Eh, no. He's the one who looks like the most fun, he probably doesn't
go to the gym as often as everyone else, but no, I'm not devastated. Gary's
my favourite because he writes the songs and he's not a very good dancer.
Does the thought of brickies getting
aroused over pictures of you put you off your dinner?
I don't think about brickies doing those sorts of things when I'm having
a prawn cocktail.
How do you feel about Liz Hurley
creaming your tabloid scene?
All the best darling, all the best, haha! I couldn't give a flying...
shit. I don't care at all.
Would you have forgiven Hugh Grant
for his "moment of madness"?
(Long pause, much deliberation and giggling). I would have actually asked
him what was going on in his little mind. I would have asked him, was
he on drugs, or does he need some, because I can get him some! I don't
know whether I would have forgiven him so quickly because I'm a bit of
a one for letting people sweat. I've got a talent for that. But it was
business, you know, there was a lot at stake. We don't know if they love
each other - and who are we, you know? I don't know what happens behind
closed doors. I wish I did though.
Interviewed by Tom Doyle
--- For Him Magazine 1995
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